Escape Artist

I had been exposed to gambling my entire life. As a kid, it was winning tickets from arcade games; as a teenager it was playing cards and dice with my family for small pots of cash; as an adult, it was going to the casino with friends or playing poker tournaments.  I was able to gamble "normally" for many years, but the point it all changed was when I started gambling to "escape".  I had just left a 3-year relationship, I had a ton of stress at work, and I started going to the casino by myself because it was a place I always had fun at and was comfortable in that environment.

Very quickly, all I wanted to do was sit in front of a slot machine, drink beer, smoke cigarettes and zone out.  I didn't have to think about life or my problems - I could just play games all day.  I started taking cash advances off my credit cards because I would always run out of money before I was ready to stop drinking and gambling.  Within a year, I went from having no credit card debt to minimum payments that were higher than I could afford.  That didn't stop me though - I didn't know I had a gambling problem.  I thought I had anxiety and depression issues, I thought I was terrible at managing money.  I was in denial, and I stayed there for another 8 years.  I changed jobs and moved across the country twice, but I was still a compulsive gambler.  I constantly gambled my bill money, my grocery money, and my fun money.  I filed bankruptcy, borrowed money from family, manipulated my tax withholdings, and took online payday loans.  It was a constant cycle of robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I never had money to go out to dinner, or buy new socks, but I always could find money to gamble.

In the last year or two of gambling, it wasn't even fun anymore.  I wanted to stop but I couldn't.  I couldn't NOT go to the casino.  I think my record was 8 days without gambling, then I was right back at it again.  I hated myself and didn't recognize the person I had become.  I wanted to die.  I thought it was the only way to break this miserable cycle that had become my life.  Then, in Oct 2014, I decided to look for help.  My reasons for seeking help weren't the right ones, but they led me to counseling and Gamblers Anonymous.  I hated being at that first meeting.  The whole premise was completely foreign to me, no one seemed to be like me, I barely said anything.  The one thing I did do though was listen and I'm so grateful that I did.  Everyone at the meeting told their stories and I could relate to all of them in different ways.  I remember that a woman was celebrating her 60 day anniversary and I thought that 60 days without gambling seemed like an eternity.

I learned two things in my first GA meeting:  1) I learned the term "compulsive gambler" and that it applied to me, and 2) I was not alone.  I was not the only person to have this problem.  I left that meeting with hope.  Hope that I could actually stop gambling.  That's pretty huge coming from someone who has said  "Hope is for suckers" more times than I can count.  I continued going to meetings and working my recovery program and today, I have over 2 years of abstinence from gambling.  I'm not going to say it was easy, because it wasn't.  But I couldn't have done it without the people in GA.  Everyone wanted me to succeed and going to meetings twice a week held me accountable for my actions.  My life is so different now - I deal with problems head on and I have no need to escape.  Life is far from perfect, but my worst day in recovery is still much better than my best day while I was gambling.

I hope that sharing a little bit of my story motivates you to go to a GA meeting.  There is hope and your life can be better if you put in the effort to change it.